Self-Evaluation: Why Do We Care about What Others Think of Us?

The Greek philosopher Aristotle said that man is a social animal, and the need to communicate is one of the most characteristic features of humanity. Through communication, people satisfy many of their social needs, so the desire to be evaluated positively is natural.

However, there are situations when this desire goes beyond the limits of extremes – people do not know how to accept criticism, are unable to make independent decisions, live their life based on the opinions of others, and lose their authenticity. Where is that thin line between the natural and exaggerated evaluation of others' opinions of oneself? What are the roots of these problems and what can we do to make the opinions of others less vital to us? Marija Vaštakė, a lecturer at the Faculty of Philosophy of VU, speaks about this in the Vilnius University (VU) podcast.

The desire to be evaluated positively is natural

“Many philosophers state that we interact in dialogue. No one will probably try to deny the importance of dialogue in our lives,” – confirmed Dr. Vaštakė. – “We satisfy many social needs through communication, such as the need for community, security, achievement, self-affirmation, attachment, love, and many others. So, the fact that we want to be positively evaluated is very natural.”

However, according to the psychologist, there are situations when people are too concerned with what others think about them. This greatly limits people in making important decisions, they lose their authenticity and freedom, and those people’s ideas die unrealized.
“I often ask these people what would change in their lives if they stopped overanalyzing what others think about them. Interestingly, for many, to my surprise, it seems like an impossible task,” she said.

According to Dr. Vaštakė, people nevertheless recognize that life without this idea would be truly liberating and different from their current one. Thus, while it is natural to care about what others think of us, moderation is very important. The psychologist emphasizes that it is also important to choose authorities, both professional and personal, and in a sense, filter out whose opinion is important to us and whose opinion we can ignore.

“An interesting aspect is that people who are dependent on the opinions of others become overly critical of people who freely make various choices in life,” added Dr. Vaštakė. – “They look for negative aspects in other people’s decisions, and when they find them, they also find an excuse – that’s why they didn’t make a certain decision and were right to do so. This is an avoidance of responsibility. However, we are free to choose – this is our fundamental endowment. If we embrace the freedom of choice, we might be able to look at things from a different angle.”

Childhood, relationship with parents, and attachment

It must be recognized that each person accepts the opinions expressed by others differently. Dr. Vaštakė relates this to people’s early experiences, and more precisely, to the attachment style people have.

The psychologist is convinced that the attachment style is formed in early childhood; it is usually determined by the child’s relationship with the mother. According to her, it is very important for every child to be noticed in the eyes of their mother. That is, for the mother to look at the child with eyes full of happiness, to accept them not for their achievements, but for who they are. Children who see that they are important attach themselves securely to their mothers and, as adults, no longer seek external validation.

“Meanwhile, children who are insecurely attached to their mothers, who are ignored and rejected by their mothers, are constantly looking for external validation as adults. They become dependent on other people’s opinions”, explained Dr. Vaštakė.

An important piece of advice for parents is not to be afraid of the child’s independence and not to see it as a threat. If you don’t, growing up in such an environment, children will avoid independence and, therefore, look for external validation in life.

“I prompt parents to ask the following question – does my child really need to rely on me right now?” It is important for a child to know that you are there, that you will always respond to his needs and help him when he needs it, but maybe it is ok to let him take steps on his own?” advised Dr. Vaštakė.
The parents’ evaluation of achievements in childhood is also of great importance, such as too much criticism for failure to achieve something or excessively glorified achievements. However, the psychologist emphasizes that when it comes to early experiences, they should not be viewed as a static feature.

“We are dynamic and can change. It is not uncommon for adults to blame their parents for being too pushed or criticized too much, and that now they have difficulty accepting positive feedback or are overly sensitive to negative feedback. We are free to choose how to react, we just need to be more open to different experiences. We should analyze both positive and negative feedback: what does it mean for us and whether or not we can learn from it how to grow and improve.”

Do others really think about us as much as we think they do?

“It often seems to us that other people think a certain thing about us, but it is not uncommon for us to put too much importance on the fact that someone is actually thinking about us. Everyone cares about themselves the most, and sometimes we misinterpret a word or the look of another person, thinking that it has something to do with us. This is far from the case,” reassured Dr. Vaštakė.

According to her, in order to free yourself from attaching too much importance to another person’s opinion, you should, first of all, think about whether that person is actually thinking about us, whether you are really part of their thousand thoughts at the moment.

If the answer is positive, the psychologist suggests considering what exactly this opinion means to us and what we ourselves think about it. It is important to pay attention to what that tells us – how important that person is and why this particular person’s opinion on a certain subject is important to us. These questions, aimed at self-reflection, can be a way of breaking free from dependence on the opinions of others.

“What's next? Next is the path towards improvement,” she continued. – “This is how critical thinking can be developed and how we can form a stronger opinion about ourselves, our choices, and our ideas, and when we turn to a person to find out his or her opinion, we will be able to see what is important to us and what is less important. What we can accept and what we can ignore.”

According to the psychologist, dependence on the opinions of others and living a life that is not authentic, not your own, but that of others, is one of the five main things that people regret the most before death.